Stupid Girl
by Orokid
Summary: After her death, Rei can't help but feel guilty for it.


**Orokid**: _I don't have much to say about this story, other than the fact that my reasoning to write it will be explained at the bottom._

_The only warnings I'll give is that I placed this story at an alternate universe (sort of) where there was time between Minako dying and the final battle. There are many negative emotions towards Rei from Rei's third person point of view, and she's mainly going through the process of mourning, having lost Minako for good._

_Thank you for reading my story, and I hope that you enjoy it._

**Disclaimer**_: I do not own anything except my thoughts and my feelings- everything else belongs to someone else._

_**Stupid Girl**_

Rei felt her hands tighten as she stood silently before the grave that had been built to honor the one person she had hoped and prayed wouldn't be there. She had begged, pleaded with any and all god that might exist, and yet… there she was, flowers in hand, tears threatening to fall from her usually dark and brooding eyes, gazing down at the one thing she couldn't deny. In that moment, she couldn't help but curse herself for the downfall of the one she had come to visit, though no one could ever understand fully how it was.

She could only remember that gaze she had held with the girl the day that she had gone, leaving her forever- that soulful, hopeful look that seemed to only look through her and see the things she had left unsaid. There was that half smile that the girl had always worn upon her face, the one that always told her that she would be teasing her mercilessly for the next millennia… but something had been missing from it. It was something that almost felt as though she knew her fate before even walking away from her that day, and it pained her more than anything to know that she could have just held her precious flower for just a few more hours, days, just so that she could have let her go without the regret that hurt her so. All the words she had held back, the feelings that she never had to courage to tell… They all remained within her, cursing, hating her for her inability.

Her memory recalled the day that they had met within the pews of the church her mother had been buried beside, remembering how her breath had caught within her throat at the beautiful young woman who was kneeling at the altar of God. The way that she had turned to look at the stranger intruding upon her quiet time, surprised and yet still doing her best to maintain the persona she had been cursed to wear each time a fan was around, remained like a photograph within her mind- as the moments the young miko had spent not knowing the identity of the woman (idol or sailor soldier of love) whom she had met there. The girl had seemed so free, so friendly at that time.

It was then that she found the girl most beautiful, open and sincere- someone that she wanted to get close to if the gods would allow it.

What a cruel twist of fate that the gods had given her- a wished granted, but…

The moment that her identities had been revealed, the walls had gone up- a strange and surprising turn for someone whom had seen the truth that the girl hid beneath the thousands of stockades she drew. From that moment, she was forced to find her way through the maze of movements she made, words she said and idolatry of singer from her friends. Most of all, she had strived through the roles the woman had forced upon all of them, arguing and thrashing her way through the barriers the woman tried and tried again to place between them.

It was then that she had learned about the fate that was to occur to the young idol- a fate she didn't deserve. With her career booming, her secret life as a soldier of Venus working as much as it might, the woman had been ill-fated, cursed by the gods of this life and the last, to live and die before her time.

Even if the girl hadn't liked it, asked and demanded that she never tell a soul or speak of it again, the soldier of Mars had gone and decided to force her into a procedure that probably wouldn't even work. The chances were against her, the hope to survive through the surgery less than a single percent, and yet she had pushed her into it. Even if it meant destroying her career, her plans to die in secret so that her fans wouldn't have to know just how weak she felt she was, Rei had done anything and everything to make sure that it would be done.

The miko had thought that it was for the sick, the invalid who refused to seek help for herself, but as she looked down upon the gray stone before her, she realized that it was for the girl who was too shy, too stubborn to admit the things that could have saved her from the ache she now felt. The soldier of passion had wanted the girl to go through with the surgery for her own sake, for the selfish reasons that she didn't want to admit to until it was too late. She didn't give the girl a choice, only demanded that the action take place.

All she had told the young woman was that she couldn't live just to die, to leave her fans, her friends, missing the person who had brought so much hope and happiness into their lives. "You can't do this to them." _To me. _The words had been there, unsaid, pushed into secrecy within the walls of her heart and mind.

Why did she even think that she could simply assume and decide the girl's fate? What made her think that she could demand again and again something that she knew the soldier of Venus couldn't do?

Perhaps it was because she hated being in second place, forced into a position by someone who held their past life to a higher position than she held herself. Perhaps it was due to the fact that there were things that she could never tell the young woman, yet she still wanted the time to finally say them. Or, perhaps, she felt as though it was the only way for her to somehow build herself to be someone that she had never been- someone who never had high expectations of herself, yet yearned for the person she adored to hold herself to a greater extent than a world and a past that didn't matter anymore.

She didn't know anymore. All she knew was that she hated standing there, tears in her eyes, wishing for a second chance that she'd never receive.

All of their arguments came back to her now, a biting reminder to the ways she had spent her time with the one she felt so deeply for. There were things that she couldn't take back, things that she left unsaid and undone- and all those things remained within her, cursing her to eternity with her regrets and self hatred that no one could take from her.

If it hadn't been for her, then the woman would have continued on with her life, delusional about things that made her happy. If it hadn't been for her, then she wouldn't have gone through with the one thing she feared the most- undergoing a surgery where it was plain to see she wouldn't come out of alive. If they hadn't met, then there wouldn't be those feelings she wished she could kill, to have them die alongside the one who secretly held her heart within her gentle hands.

Why did she have to be right about everything? Why did she have to make the idol do things that only hurt her? Why hadn't she given the woman the choice to choose, to decide her own fate? That was all that the miko had claimed throughout their time together- that one could pave the way through the past and make their own future without the consequences that came along with it. So why couldn't she have allowed the girl to make the same choices that she had so far?

… because she loved the girl too much to let her go, to lose the one person who made her heart beat like it did. She didn't want to imagine a life without her, didn't want to see a day where they wouldn't be bickering over something that didn't really matter. The sailor soldier of the flames didn't want to wake to find no one there in the morning, to have her dreams remain just that- a dream that she could never get back.

She really was a selfish, arrogant girl.

Kneeling down, the young woman felt the tears start to flow from the dark eyes that she knew held more emotion than she normally allowed, placing the flowers in her hands upon the marble stone that read the name of the one she missed so dearly. Words choked her, and she could only attempt to stifle her aches as they came hard to her thin frame, wracking her body with trembles that she wished wasn't there. She no longer was the strong secondary leader that was supposed to take over for her superior officer, no longer just a stubborn girl with the heart of stone that wouldn't allow anyone to get close to her. In the end, she was nothing more than a weak hearted woman that yearned for the one person she could never hold in her arms again.

Tears felt from her cheeks to the unscathed surface of the stone, her hands in fists as she crumbled against it. It was there that she whispered the words she had never had the chance to say- "My precious flower… Minako… I always… always loved you." The young miko felt her right hand unravel, feeling the letters slowly, carefully with her fingertips as she simply allowed her heartache stream down her face. "I wish… I wish you knew." Rei gave a soft chuckle as another sob came, remembering times of old, recalling the glances, the gentle looks she received when the other girl didn't think she saw, the touches she felt…

It took her to leave, to fade from this world to the next, for the gloomy eyed soldier of passion to know that the woman had always known… and that she had felt the same, no matter their arguments, no matter the world. She had to lose the one person she cared for the most to realize it all. "I'm so… stupid. … Aren't I, Minako?"

With that, another tremble came, tears flowing like rivers from her dark, moody eyes.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

**Orokid**_: This… was something I wrote while thinking about… well, everything. All the relationships I've been in… Losing someone I've loved… Being thankful for the love I'm in now… I remember how it felt to mourn, to find how I was the one who had caused the end of each and every relationship- even when I really had nothing to do with it. When I had first sat down and begun writing this, I had been simply listening to a song on my iTunes, "Stupid Boy" by Keith Urban… and it struck a chord so deep within, that I couldn't help writing. I hadn't even known which couple I had brought with him- Rei and Minako from PGSM- when I had started, considering the initial beginning had started with a simple 'She' rather than a name. Halfway through the first page, I began to realize that I had started to liken myself with the characters and the situation._

_That said… I don't know. I just thought to write this down here because it's only through you guys that I can get my feelings out and down somewhere- and I find joy in the replies I receive, knowing that I touched someone enough with what I wrote for them to send me a message about it. You guys are there for me, even if you don't know it- and I'm glad for all of you who read my stories._

_Anyway, thank you for reading my rant. If you feel like you want to, please send a review my way about the story- I'd appreciate it. Thank you again._ :3


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